


Completely Round the Twist

by tarie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-15
Updated: 2012-10-15
Packaged: 2017-11-16 09:49:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarie/pseuds/tarie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione goes away on her first business trip.  How will she cope without Harry and Ron?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Completely Round the Twist

**Author's Note:**

> _guecheros_ = looters of Mayan archaelogical sites in the northern department of Peten.

  
When Hermione was assigned to her first business trip, she was very excited. At last! The Ministry finally saw value in her abilities at code-, rune-, and curse-breaking and were sending her out In the Field.

Harry and Ron, however, were not so excited.

For the first time since they had moved into their own flat, Hermione was going away, and that Could Not Be Good. At least, that was the impression Hermione got from the identical furrowed brows and the looks on their faces. 

"This can't be good!" Ron moaned, and Harry frowned.

"Why not?" Hermione huffed.

"Because you'll be gone and we'll miss you round the flat?" Harry supplied helpfully, exchanging a glance with Ron.

"You'll miss me minding the bills getting paid on time, arranging trips to the market, straightening up, and the like, you mean."

"Yeah, but we'll miss you too, Hermione," Ron confided to his chest, chin tucked against his collar bone.

Hermione snorted.

"We will," Harry added. His statement was followed by a 'thunk', and Ron yelped, then bent to rub at his shin.

"Like mad! We'll go completely round the twist while you're gone," he said in between rubs.

"Right. You're go completely round the twist and then come back again when you realize you can have Romilda Vane here anytime you like while I'm away."

Harry sputtered, and Ron's face turned beet red.

"Romilda Vane, mate? I think you've gone completely round the twist already," Harry chortled.

"What about you and Pansy Parkinson? I've heard of having a lap dog before, but that's going a bit far, Harry," Ron shot back, and Hermione covered her ears.

"I don't want to hear any--" Uncovering an ear, Hermione stared at Harry. "Pansy Parkinson? Really?"

Ron shoved a fist in his mouth while Harry stared at an Interesting Spot on the floor. He mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Sometimes."

Hermione blinked.

Romilda Vane _and_ Pansy Parkinson?

She took a deep breath and willed herself not to hex them senseless right then and there. Looking from one boy to the other, she said, "Your taste in women is worse than Hagrid's rock cakes, honestly."

*****

Though the revelation that Harry was Sometimes Shagging Pansy Parkinson bothered her quite a bit, and she was rather sour over the Romilda Vane Thing, Hermione's last evening at home prior to her business trip was a pleasant one. Mrs Weasley sent over shepard's pie and a warm treacle tart, so the food was just as good as the company. After a few rounds of Exploding Snap (which Ron insisted they play until they could get out of their seats and walk, rather than roll about on the floor), Hermione retired to resume packing for her trip.

Packing took her longer than expected, and it was very late when she could at last turn in for the night. She had barely extinguished the light before there was a knock at the door.

"Oy, Hermione!"

She opened her eyes and laughed softly, head lolling toward the door. Why in the world Ron thought it necessary to whisper when he was trying to wake her made no sense, but sometimes Ron's logic wasn't so much _logic_ as it was courtesy.

"It's open," she whispered, and the door flung open. Ron and Harry stood in the doorway, and when Hermione sat up she noticed they were holding parcels. "I've not got an owl, you realize," she said, arching a brow. From the basket at the foot of the bed, Crookshanks lifted his head and yowled, as if to prove her point.

"We know, cheeky witch," Ron said brightly, then flopped onto the foot of her bed.

"These are for you," Harry explained, setting the parcels atop Hermione's trunk.

"Why--"

"What," Ron interjected, "we can't give our favourite girl a going-away pressie or twelve?"

"Twelve?" Harry said. "Morelike sixteen."

Hermione's eyes rounded. "Six _teen_?"

"Yeah," Harry and Ron said together, then laughed. 

Reaching out to punch Harry lightly on the shoulder, Ron said, "One for every week you'll be gone."

There was a warm, wet sort of sting in her eyes, and Hermione smiled. "Oh, you _two_." They might have awful taste in women, but she was going to miss them terribly.

*****

The first few weeks In the Field were Terribly Exciting. Hermione found the climate in Guatemala to be a bit on the hot and muggy side, but she was so enamoured of El Peru Waka that she didn't mind at all. Even the Very Large Bugs weren't a bother, nor were the _guecheros_. Hermione hexed them both automatically, her work deciphering ancient runes from a Mayan wizarding society barely disturbed at all.

In the evenings she would take a Portkey to Lima, where she was staying in a hotel at the Ministry's expense, and bright and early in the morning she would take a return Portkey to El Peru Waka. Every evening she returned to the hotel, post would be waiting for her. Some of it was from her parents or Important Notices from colleagues back at the Ministry. A lot of it came from Harry and Ron. They owled her every day, and it made her smile. They were always sure to let her know they hadn't got evicted or burnt the flat down. 

The letters, and the gifts she would open each week from them, made Hermione miss them more terribly than she had ever imagined she could.

During week fourteen of her trip, Hermione's superiors sent word they would be coming to Lima in a few days' time. A meeting was scheduled, during which Hermione was expected to give a presentation on her findings thus far, and observe a presentation by a well-respected warlock on a Rather Interesting Development in Salem. Hermione could only assume that she would be assigned to go to Salem at the conclusion of her work in Peru.

Also during week fourteen of her trip, Ginny sent Hermione post telling her all the things Ron and Harry _hadn't_ been saying in their letters. Romilda dumped Ron for Joey Jenkins, and Harry binned Pansy Parkinson in a spectacular showing before half of Diagon Alley the week prior.

Hermione really wished to go home.

*****

The first day of week sixteen was also the day of the meeting. Hermione rose early and made her customary cup of Earl Grey, sipping on it as she removed the final parcel from her trunk. Wondering what Harry and Ron could have possibly got her, as everything else thus far had been very pleasant surprises, she tapped the paper with her wand and watched as it dissolved. 

"Curious," she murmured, eyeing the note attached to a brightly coloured box. 

"'We see you've saved the best for last. Good on you, Hermione! We always knew we were your favourite Weasleys! When old Ronnie and Harry told us what they were doing, we couldn't resist pitching in a little giftie. You didn't take this the first time we offered it to you, but we're perfectly positive you could use it now -- and it's new and improved, so have a spin and let us know what you think, yeah? Fred and George, Your Favourite Handsome and Fit Proprietors.'"

Setting the note aside, Hermione picked up a box with a picture of a business witch perched on a desk and an attractive business wizard draped about her. Inspecting the box further, Hermione read, "Patented Daydream Charms - New and Improved! One simple incantation and you will enter a top-quality, highly-realistic thirty-minute daydream, easy to fit into the drollest of meetings and virtually undetectable! Side effects include occasional facial tics which may be mistaken for indications of agreement or disagreement, excessive frowning, and bridge-of-nose pinching. Not for school children. For of-age witches and wizards only!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and had the twins been standing before her she would have waggled her finger at them. Still, she opened the box. Inside was a quill (with the words 'Charmed - For Your Pleasure!' sprawled in blinking, sparkling text along the length of it) and a small sheet with directions. "'To activate the Patented Daydream Charm, simply hold this quill and utter the incantation!'"

Shaking her head, Hermione deposited the quill in her satchel and headed to the meeting. It wouldn't do to be late.

*****

Her presentation went off without a hitch, and she had been looking forward to what the warlock had to say about Salem and the mysterious cursed crystal skull that had been discovered there one month ago by a group of children. However, the warlock was about as interesting as a flobberworm, it was warm in the room, and Hermione was having trouble focussing.

Covering a yawn, Hermione shifted in her seat, her foot accidentally upsetting her satchel. Flashing the warlock and her colleagues an apologetic smile, she leant over and began to place things where they belonged. She nearly shoved the Patented Daydream Charm quill back in her satchel, but she didn't. Instead, she righted herself and twirled it betwixt her fingers while the man prattled on. 

Her mind drifted to home. She couldn't wait for the week to be over; she was going mad withouth seeing Harry and Ron. Post was one thing, but... After reading Ginny's post, Hermione knew she and the boys had to sit down and have a Serious Talk. Hermione wasn't daft; she was a very perceptive witch, and the three of them had a lot of unsettled business. Granted, Hermione wasn't certain how Harry and Ron felt about each other, but woman's intuition told her something else entirely about how they feel about _her_. It wasn't like she could deny how she herself felt, either.

She hadn't stewed over Romilda Vane and Pansy Parkison for naught.

Unbidden, the side effects of the charm came to mind, and right then and there Hermione decided that she had earned herself a little break. After all, she had been in the jungle in Peru by herself for fifteen weeks now, some days for twenty hours! 

Clutching the quill in her hand, she whispered, " _Dies somnios_."

There was a strange, almost painful pulling sensation in her abdomen, and then it stopped.

Blinking, Hermione looked around to find that she was standing in the middle of her living room. Harry and Ron were sprawled out on the settee, listening to a Falmouth Falcons game on the Wireless.

"Hermione?" Ron asked, and Hermione laughed. The twins hadn't been fooling -- the Patented Daydream Charm _was_ highly realistic!

"Of course it's me," she said, and the boys stood up together, enveloping her in an embrace. 

"We _missed_ you, Hermione!"

She was quite liking this gift of the twins's. "I missed you as well," she said slowly, then smirked. As she would never _really_ get to experience it, she thought there was no harm in experiencing it in a highly-realistic daydream. Besides, Harry and Ron would be none the wiser. About anything. "Now, strip."

"Er--" Harry stammered.

"Um," Ron said faintly, staring at Hermione as though she'd had a bowtruckle burst out her nose.

"You. Harry. Starkers. Now. I've got approximately twenty-eight minutes here; I'd hate for you to waste them."

Harry and Ron simply goggled at her in return, and she huffed.

Repeating herself, she said, "You. Harry. Starkers Now. Shall I use larger words, or will that be sufficient?"

"S'good," Ron choked after a beat, and both boys divested themselves of their clothing. 

Hermione's eyes roamed up and down their forms. They were both lean and angular, though Ron was taller and lankier, while Harry was shorter and wirier. They were also both _perfect_ , and Hermione moaned wantonly at the sight of them. If she couldn't be lusty and free in her own daydream, where else could she be?

"Now what?" Harry asked awkwardly, and Hermione considered this as she stepped out of her knickers. 

"There," she said, pointing to the rug in front of the hearth. Tugging the shirt out of her skirt's waistband, Hermione knelt on the floor and crawled between the two boys, snuggling against them. "Isn't this fantastic?"

"Yeah," Ron said, his breath tickling the back of her neck. 

A smile curved the corner of Hermione's lips and she scooted back against him, gasping softly as she felt Ron's erection against her backside. Harry smirked, and Hermione reached up to pull off his specs, tossing them aside. "Better."

One of Harry's hands tentatively brushed against her breast, and she smiled. He palmed her breasts then, and she could feel her nipples harden, aroused by his touch.

"Better'n old Pug Face, eh mate?" Ron snickered, pressing a kiss to the nape of her neck. She shivered, then laughed.

Harry nodded, and Hermione propelled herself forward, mouth meeting his. It was clumsy and slow at first, but it got better faster. Harry's tongue ran over her lips, and she sighed, sucking his tongue in her mouth. He tasted like tea and treacle, and she would have been content to kiss him forever, but she knew that wasn't possible because she was on limited time. Besides, this was just a daydream, and daydream-Ron's hands were incredibly distracting as they reached up under her skirt to cup her arse.

"D'you want...?"

Hermione sighed again, melting against Harry's mouth. "I want," she moaned, then propped herself up to push Harry onto his back.

"What--"

"Sh," Hermione said, holding a finger to her mouth. "No time for questions. I miss you both, and I need you both."

There was a warmth against her back suddenly, and she could feel Ron's chest rumble against her back as he spoke. "At the same time?"

"As if we'd do it any other way," Hermione whispered.

Harry grinned, and Hermione felt Ron's arms on her shoulders, spinning her about to face him.

"Hey," came Harry's indignant voice from behind, and Ron smirked, arching a brow at Hermione. "He's used to doing it that way, so..."

"Really?" Hermione asked, tipping her chin back, spying a little bit of his flushed face. "Harry?"

Harry nodded, and Ron said in a conspiratorial whisper, "S'why Puggy and he split. She said it was dirty, but I think it's just 'cos she caught Harry and Malfoy doing it that way one time and..."

Hermione gasped a scandalized gasp. "Malfoy!"

"It was only the one time!" Harry protested, then gave Hermione's bum a tweak.

Squealing, Hermione filed that information away for later. It was only a daydream, but it wouldn't hurt to ask Harry as to how he felt about men some time later over dinner, laughter, and drinks in the privacy of their own flat.

Ron gave her a devilish smile, rolling onto his back and tugging her along. She ended up straddling him, and he pulled her close, making a most thorough meal of her mouth. Humming against his lips, she reached down to run a finger through her folds. Warm, slick fingers probed her from behind, slipping past her cheeks to press inside, and Hermione groaned against Ron's mouth. Harry's fingers were bold and insistent, and she couldn't hold herself back any longer. One hand holding Ron steady, she held herself open as she sank down his cock, leaning forward so as to not lose the delicious rhythm that Harry's fingers had begun. She knew she was getting wetter by the moment, and she pushed her arse impatiently back against his hand. 

"Impatient witch," Harry laughed, placing a kiss below her ear. Hermione whined, and Ron gripped her hips as Harry shifted behind her, nudging her knee over and above Ron's hip. Reminding herself to relax, Hermione hissed as Harry canted his hips forward, invading her, filling her in a way that probably shouldn't feel as good as it did. 

"Oh, fuck," Ron groaned beneath her, and she began to pant as he touched her clit. If they didn't move and soon, she would merrily kill them both. The pain was intense, but she knew the pleasure would be so much more.

"Move," she panted, absolutely aching to feel them, to move with them.

"Christ," Ron grunted. "I can-- Blimey, Harry."

"I can feel you," Harry said, and Hermione moaned.

"I can feel you both," she said, then leant forward and bit Ron's collarbone. He yelped, Harry moaned, and suddenly her tongue was tangling with Ron's while Harry rolled his lips clockwise, then back again. One of Ron's hands pawed at her blouse to reach inside, the top two buttons flying off, and he kneaded her breast as they three, as one, began to move. It wasn't easy at first, rhythm off, but they found their way soon enough, rocking and ebbing and flowing as though they were some sort of circuit, some sort of cycle of bliss and connection. 

She clenched down as Ron thrust up, and Harry would drive into her, pushing her to Ron, who would send her back against Harry. Over and over they thrust and ground together, and this, just like everything else they had ever done together, was intimate and special and theirs.

Her hands cupped Ron's face, one moving back to fist in ginger hair, and she knew she was close. A twisting heat pooled in her stomach and she needed to release it. She knew they were close, too, and she wanted them to come first. Reaching a hand back, she curved her hand around Harry's neck, drawing him near. "I want you to come for me," she said, and she heard Ron say, "Oh bloody FUCK."

That was it, then, and one crested after the other, a chain reaction of sorts. Harry's moans were muffled against her shoulder, while Hermione swallowed Ron's moans until they all stopped trembling, falling into a sweaty heap on the rug.

"Woah," breathed Harry, damp dark hair sticking to his forehead.

"Wicked," Ron said, gulping for air.

Shifting, Hermione smoothed down her skirt and smiled. "I'll--"

The pulling sensation in her abdomen resumed, and Hermione found herself back in the meeting room.

"Miss Granger?"

Her head jerked up at the sound of her name. "Yes?"

"Do you have any questions?"

Inhaling deeply, she shook her head. "No, none at all."

"Excellent. Now, if you'll all turn your attention to--" 

As the warlock droned on, Hermione rearranged her notes and shifted in her seat. She felt a bit damp between the legs, and she frowned, then slowly smiled a little as she remembered what the box had said. 'Highly-realistic,' indeed.

It was then that Hermione noticed the top two buttons of her blouse were curiously missing all of a sudden.

But that can't be, can it? 

_I've gone completely round the twist,_ she thought.

"I say, what is this!" 

An owl flew in the open window, hooting shrilly as it zoomed over the warlock's head. Hermione and her colleagues looked up questioningly, watching the owl circle the room. It finally dropped an envelope off in front of her and flitted off.

"Excuse me," Hermione said politely, taking the envelope with her just out the door.

Opening the envelope, she found a scrap of parchment inside bearing Ron's familiar scrawl.

_What do you think about our taste in women now?_

Maybe she hadn't gone completely round the twist after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Description of the Patented Daydream Charms from _Half-Blood Prince_ and modified here.


End file.
